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⚠️ Warning: This episode contains some explicit swear words 🙊
Highlights
🌩️ Joyce and I were about to marry when a Chinese pre-marriage trial interfered.
💔 So between love and family, what would you choose?
😈 I chose to execute dark justice directly against whoever stood in my way, even when they are untouchable… The Gods themselves.
We believe in quality over quantity. These pieces take WEEKS of care to craft and maintain. Subscribing and SHARING keeps us pumped and helps us in a long way! 🙈💋🐴
Show Notes
References 👉
Pictures! 👨🏻🎨
Easter eggs & bonuses 🐣
Thank you 🙏
Transcript 🔍
SPOILER ALERT below onward
1. References 👉
Journey to the West: The Monkey King wreaking havoc in Heaven (“Even the legendary Chinese Monkey King could do it”)
The Princess Bride’s Inigo Montoya (“My name is Win, you mess with my family, prepare to cry!”)
Westworld’s cease all motor functions (“Audio player, resume the playback activities!”)
Wrestling champion announcement (“The undisputed champion!”)
2. Pictures! 👨🏻🎨
3. Easter eggs & bonuses 🐣
Behind those words 😏
“Wasn’t a princess that needed any saving” = Joyce is a massive Disney fan, though not of the damsel in distress trope.
“The disaster cooking in my kitchen” = A reference to how the Chinese bride often ended up living under one roof with the groom’s parents. I didn’t agree to this but this was how it worked out logistically for us. Anyway, that’s why initially The Tiger biting The Monkey was a genuine concern, although that ended up being completely wrong. Both my parents are super nice to Joyce, feeding her durians every week.
“Come on you guys!” = A really weird but true Chinese stereotype. Our parents don’t support us having a boyfriend/girlfriend when we’re in school. But immediately after we graduate, they start nagging: “When are you getting married and having babies!?” Just wow…
“Freeze our meals!” = My parents still believe that freezing food is evil and destroys our health, even when it’s home-cooked and consumed within a week. That’s why Joyce got spooked and immediately confessed her sin out of fear of getting disapproved by my parents.
If it went wrong, I’d find a third way out 🤘💢
Assuming the worst case scenario happened — the prophecy was bad, my parents barred us from marrying. Not that I believe in the supernatural, but I still have to live with the people who do. So this is my third way out…
I would not get married. After all, to me marriage is just a ceremony to declare that a relationship is publicly accepted. I’m perfectly happy continuing our relationship in private while pretending that I’m single. The only downside is that my family would keep nagging me to get married, just a minor annoyance I would have to live with. My doomed girlfriend and my own family would not have to mix, just like how my work and my parents never overlap.
Of course, the situation would be more complex than that. It wouldn’t be all up to me alone. I would feel sad for Joyce’s family to go through this and the impact it would have on her. So it would ultimately depend entirely on them.
But that’s just me, in this unique situation I’m in. It will be different in other cases.
The power of narrative 🌀📢🌀
At its core, this episode was about the battle to shape the narrative on my relationship with Joyce in the real world — Heaven’s Prophecy VS Win the Storyteller (using modern tools like censorship and editing). Because stories drive actions.
I felt powerless after that event. Since I couldn’t win against Heaven by force, I resorted to seeking retribution through defining history for future generations, to seed resistance. That was a metaphor for how regimes might win the war on our bodies, but will forever face resistance if they never win our hearts and minds. I hope you see now that the pen can be as mighty as the sword.
Obviously, I was also quite explicit about how the power of narratives can be misused through how morally ambiguous I was. In this case, the history wasn’t written by the victor, but by a super-biased storyteller 🔪 and Joyce the unreliable witness (see the next section below) as a reminder of the layer to all contents you are consuming — the intent of the people involved.
I’ll leave you to wonder what else was false in the story… hehehe.
Our cognitive biases 🧠💨
“How do I have no memory of this!”, “…my ears were trying to find good words”, “…my ears were just hearing the word fated” = Our minds are really unreliable. We cherry-pick narratives that we want to hear and ignore the facts.
By the way, after The Oracle declared that Joyce and I were soulmates, I immediately adopted that and pushed for our wedding preparation to begin as soon as possible —“Even Heaven said so, mum! Don’t you dare deny that!”— despite not believing any of it.
“I never thought about it. Did I even see the poster? At the same time as her?” = It was revealed in the end that mum didn’t even recall anything happening about the poster saga that Joyce recounted. Nothing. So all of that narrative in Joyce’s head was completely one-sided — a false story in her mind born out of fear.
A Xanatos Gambit ✌️👻
“[sigh] So heaven, let’s call it a draw shall we?” = After deeply reflecting on the whole situation, I realised that I lost to Heaven the moment I played the game and allowed The Oracle to make any prophecy on us.
Now my parents/grandparents expect our kid(s) to be geniuses. How is that a good thing?
"The key to strategy... is not to choose a path to victory, but to choose so that all paths lead to a victory." — Cavilo, The Vor Game.
Do you agree? Let us know what you think!
4. Thank you 🙏
😎 To you, our listener, for listening!
🙈 Co-host = Joyce, not a princess that needed any saving.
✨ Guests = The Oracle 😇, mum & dad 🐯🐶
🎺 Music library = Shutterstock Music & Blue Dot Sessions
⛈️ SFX library = freesound.org
We believe in quality over quantity. These pieces take WEEKS of care to craft and maintain. Subscribing and SHARING keeps us pumped and helps us in a long way! 🙈💋🐴
5. Transcript 🔍
Notes
This is a sound-rich episode with musical scores and sound effects. Listen to it to get the best experience.
Italic words = echoed voice
JW = Joyce & Win
SFX = sound effect
The Oracle and my mum spoke in Thai, with His voice altered. His words were translated by Joyce on the spot during our recording session.
Segments
Warning
The Monkey & The Horse, a silly unstoppable force
Why the F are you interfering, Heaven!?
An auspicious underwear for the occasion
The worst awkwardness one can ever experience
The monkey has to be bitten
Marrying your in-laws
Horse VS Heaven showdown
The worse punishment in history
I love you, Mr. Oracle
A fish hook stuck in your heart
Outro
The epilogue: monkey and tiger under one roof, hehehe
Warning
[SFX: background environmental sound slowly rises — wind blowing 🌬️, wind chime ringing 🎐🎵, a bird cooing 🐦]
Win:
Swear words alert.
Headphones without doubt a must.
Awesomeness awaits.
[SFX: background environmental sound slowly fades]
The Monkey & The Horse, a silly unstoppable force
Win: So… how much do you love me?
[pause]
[cheeky laugh 😜]
Joyce: This is not happening.
[laughs in disbelief]
I hate you. DO NOT ask me stupid questions!
[Music: a nostalgic and rising song plays]
Joyce: This is East Asian Story.
Win: I’m Win, and my family often compare my personality to a horse thundering in a field.
[SFX: a horse defiantly neighs 😤 and gallops thunderously 🐎⚡⚡⚡]
[Music: the song builds-up to an epic peak, then slowly returns to norm]
Free, stubborn, radical.
Win: Seriously! How much, how much do you love me?
Joyce: Tell me how I can quantify it.
[silent]
Win: I don’t know… [resigned tone]—
Joyce: —There you go. [smug tone]
Didn’t expect that did ya? [laughs]
Win: UGGHHH. You always— I mean, you always… UGHHH. You know. You always— [lost for words]
Joyce: —I question your questions. That’s what I do.
Win: [Sighs] I give up man. [sighs]
Joyce: [laughs]
Win: This is Joyce. She has a sharp wit like a monkey.
[SFX: a monkey calls out in a forest 🌲📢🐒🌲]
One that can effortlessly ambush a horse—
[SFX: a horse gallops❓🐎💨, steps on a cracking branch (trap)❗☠️, something drops from the sky ☄️, a loud heavy thud impacts 💥 against the horse which silences it 💫💤]
—while brewing tea with her other hand.
[SFX: a spoon stirring a tea cup ☕💫💫💫💫🥄, clanks against the edge of the cup thrice ☕💥💥💥🥄, a sip, a gulp, and finally Joyce lets out a satisfied ‘Ahhhhh’ 🧘🏻]
Win: As you’ve heard, I think we have an amazing chemistry. Been through thick and thin as a couple for 5 years. Known her for another 3.
[Music: a nostalgic and rising song fades]
So I’m not being unreasonable for wanting to make it official, right?
[pause]
Why the F are you interfering, Heaven!?
Win: Then why the f**k are you interfering with my marriage, HEAVEN?!
[SFX: beep censoring the swear word ⚠️🔇⚠️]
[Music: a hair-standing, murderous theme — piano solo version plays]
Win: Now if you come from a very old school Chinese family like mine.
Joyce: We’re Chinese-Thai. Thai citizens with ancestors from China.
Win: There’s one pre-marriage trial which couples have to go through. Which only if successful afterwards, our families will then allow our marriage to go forth.
Joyce: It was crucial! It was the key… keystone? Key. Like the final key to everything.
[SFX: a thunderstorm begins to rumble loudly in the background ⚡🌩️😡🌩️⚡]
Win: That trial is where we’re summoned to the celestial court of the Chinese Gods.
[SFX: a prisoner in chains is dragged by guards while kicking and screaming
💂🏻⛓️🙇🏻⛓️💂🏻]
Joyce: Simply referred to as Heaven.
Win: To have our marriage compatibility be judged upon.
[SFX: a sudden thunder strike 💥⚡💥]
Joyce: I’m sorry! I’ve sinned. [crying tone]
Win: It’s an unavoidable situation that we have nothing to gain from.
Joyce: If we’re compatible, life goes on. If not, we break up.
Win: To bow to the words of a complete stranger, who has the power to delegitimise our past 5 years together, in less than an hour—
Joyce: And without any regard to our opinion, history or chemistry at all.
Win: Even when my parents already approved of Joyce. How could a ridiculous situation like this still exists in the 21st century. What the hell!
Joyce: RAWR! It’s NOT FUNNY!
Win: Naturally, this does not sit well with modern Chinese kids like me.
Joyce: Yea yea yea! Y— You were a wild horse—
[SFX: a wild horse neighs 😤🐎 while thunder strikes in the background 💥⚡💥]
—back then and you were very strong willed and you knew what you wanted.
Win: So in today’s episode—
Joyce: As a cautionary tale for future Chinese couples.
Win: —how heaven broke my family—
Joyce: This is ridiculous!
Win: —spooked my girlfriend—
Joyce: [fearful noise]
Win: —and how I’m going to take my revenge on them for what they did to us.
Joyce: What?! How on earth is that even possible?
Win: There is a way. Even the legendary Chinese Monkey King could do it—
[SFX: the Monkey King cries (Bruce Lee’s style) 🔥🥋🔥]
—then why couldn’t I?
[SFX: the Monkey King swings his staff to break precious artefacts left 🏺💥🔧 and right 🔧💥🏺]
Joyce: That’s coming up after the break.
Win: Stay with us.
[SFX: the background thunderstorm fades out]
[Music: a hair-standing, murderous theme — piano solo version fades out]
An auspicious underwear for the occasion
[SFX: a rooster cries in the morning ☀️📢🐓]
[Music: a cheeky but sneaky heist drumbeat begins to play]
Win: The appointment with the disciple of heaven had been made. So who were we meeting that day?
Joyce: So we were going to this… ummm… I suppose I could call it a service?
Win: A service? [huge laugh]
Joyce: I don’t know! What do you call it?
Win: I would call it the… The Oracle. [laugh]
[SFX: a holy choir sings ✨✨🧝♂️🎼🧝🏻♀️🎼🧝🏿♂️✨✨]
Joyce: Whatever. [eye-rolling but laughing tone]
[Music: the heist song goes full orchestra, making it even more sneaky]
Win: Basically a fortune teller skilled in the Chinese Zodiac system of horoscope.
Joyce: Also known as the conveyor of Heaven’s judgements to mortals.
[SFX: the thunder clouds rumble briefly 🌫🌩️😑🌩️🌫]
Win: I drove into Bangkok with my family to pick Joyce up. That was how the judgement day began.
[montage begins — cross-cutting parallel events between Joyce getting dressed and Win driving to Joyce’s place with his parents]
Joyce: Like, I spent so much time picking out what colour top and pants I was going to wear on the day.
Win: My hands on the steering wheel were like really sweaty.
Joyce: Because all the colours had to— like none of them would— could be like bad colours.
Win: Bad according to Chinese belief about luck.
Joyce: And you know— I have to say, even like my underwear!
Win: [laughs in the background]
Joyce: I was very conscious of what colour I am putting on myself! [laughs]
No! Not red. But like as long as it wasn’t black or anything, that was my logic.
Ummm. I must— I must have worn pink, cause I was like, I’m just gonna play it cool, like I’m not gonna go all out Chinese.
WJ: [laughs hard]
Joyce: But in my head I was like please, please go well.
Win: As for my parents, the look on their faces was like… very tense. They were like, really— really quiet that day.
You see, a few nights before when my parents gave the final words.
Joyce: Umm.
Win: Saying that the marriage will not go forth if we don’t get heaven’s approval.
Joyce: Umm.
Win: Immediately. I told my parents, “I’m NOT GOING TO LET ANY STRANGER DECIDE WHO I’M GONNA MARRY!”
Joyce: OH MY GOD! [laughs in disbelief]
Win: Like, “this won’t change anything at all if it turns out bad you know!” You know like typical—
Joyce: [sighs] —Like a Chinese drama—
Win: —Typical Win. [laughs]
And I remembered my mum was like, “You can’t defy The Heaven”.
Joyce: WHAT?!
Win: More like we can’t defy our grandma, our big boss—
[SFX: a dragon breathing fire 🔥🔥🐲🔥🔥]
—who deeply believes in Heaven.
Win: Anyway, she suddenly became dangerously frosty.
[SFX: a tiger growls 💢❄️🐯❄️💢]
Then pounced away.
[SFX: a tiger pounces off angrily 💢🐅💨]
Leaving the tense air lingering between us.
And we hadn’t spoken to each other ever since. Not even on the way to pick you up.
Joyce: EHHHHH! [panic] I don’t like that. [super meek]
The worst awkwardness one can ever experience
Win: I reached your condo. I remembered calling you. “We’re here, come down now.”
Joyce: It’s gonna be fine. Carrying positive vibes [laughs]
You know. If you go in positive, everything will turn out positive.
Joyce: [breathes in deeply]
I opened the car door.
[SFX: a car door opens ➡️🚪]
Got in.
[SFX: dropping onto the car seat ⤵️💺, car door closes ⬅️🚪]
Did my Sawaddee(s)—
Win: —Formal hello in Thai language.
Joyce: Sat down.
[SFX: securing the seat belt 💥, heavy breaths 🏃🏻♀️🏃🏻♀️]
[awkward silence 💀💬💀]
EVERYONE WAS SO QUIET…
Like there was dead silence in the car.
[awkward silence continues 💀💀💀💬💀💀💀]
Joyce: I suppose I felt that… this is it. Judgement day.
What do you do when there is this prospect that everything can go wrong? Right? Like if you were too friendly and then everything turns out shit!
“How’s it going! Etcetera etcetera!” [superficial friendly tone]
And then like you go and meet this dude and then he’s like “You guys… would be so destructive together. Like you would not work out. DO NOT consider even like looking at— looking each other in the eyes. So forget about marriage.” And then like after that WHAT? [nervous laugh]
What happens next? Like… like YEA… what happens next!?
Win: So what would you do if it turned out bad?
Joyce: I think I’d take the taxi back. [laughs]
[simulating the situation]
[SFX: thunderstorm begins to rumble in the background ⚡🌩️😡🌩️⚡]
[SFX: “Hmmm!” The Oracle sounding startled at a discovery ❗🤨]
Joyce: Oh gosh.
[SFX: “Hmpph hmmph.” The Oracle shakes his head 🚫💍😒]
[awkward silence]
Joyce: Ahhhhh… shit. [mutters under her breath in a comical tone]
Sawaddee ka! [‘trying to keep her cool’ sort of tone]
[SFX: ZOOM! (Joyce disappears within 0.5s) ⚡⚡⚡💨💨💨]
[SFX: door slams and vibrates after from the impact 💥🚪💥]
Joyce: [laughs] That would be the worst awkwardness one can ever experience.
Win: Anyway, it’s all too late now, because we’ve arrived at The Oracle’s lair.
Joyce: The cold war ends… and the hot war begins.
The monkey has to be bitten
Win: We hastily scrambled out of the car, feeling relieved like leaving a stranger’s funeral you accidentally stumbled into.
[SFX: crows cawing 🐦💀💀💀]
[SFX: a murderous, fear-inducing bell strikes 🎐💀]
Joyce: It was all a blur to be honest. I was just like “right, this is the destination.”
Joyce: They were tiny streets that you had to— I believe it was all one way—
[SFX: a murderous, fear-inducing bell strikes 🎐💀]
—one direction sort of street—
Win: —Yea I think it was almost like Chinatown area.
Joyce: Yea.
[Music: heart-beating, fear-inducing song plays with rising intensity]
Joyce: There was a glass door, at the front. But because of the reflection of the opposite building you couldn’t really see through to the inside. So in that sense it was a bit mysterious.
[SFX: a murderous, fear-inducing bell strikes 🎐💀]
I don’t know what’s going to happen once I step my first foot in over the threshold of the door but I can’t turn back now, so be it, whatever.
[Music: heart-beating, fear-inducing song fades]
Win: The receptionist was like, “this way please.”
Joyce: And then she, she told us to wait for maybe like 20 minutes or 15 because we were a bit early.
Win: So we went up and waited at the sofa set.
[Music: heart-beating, fear-inducing song plays with rising intensity]
Joyce: It was kind of dimly lit, at least from my memory. Like, so many things I couldn’t understand all around. [laughs]
[Music: the fear-inducing song becomes increasingly overwhelming and creepy]
Posters with Chinese inscriptions. Painting and drawings of… I don’t know who the people are, and also animals. Yea that’s really all I can remember… it’s very — there were so many details that I couldn’t make sense of. And I guess we were in the right place.
[Music: the fear-inducing song peaks and then suddenly cuts]
Win: Completely spooked by Heaven’s psychological warfare.
Joyce: The only thing I could think of was how much more awkward can this get. Because you immediately excused yourself to the toilet! And left me with your poor parents who were so nervous and didn’t know how to— well I guess they knew how to act but they were nervous I could tell, and you just left ME with them! [laughs]
NOTHING! Nothing was spoken!
Win: Really?
Joyce: Yea! We just sat and then because there was so much detail to take in, we just started looking around.
[Music: the fear-inducing song returns, light version]
Then I looked around up and over to my right and then… to my left… [inhale] umm… and I saw a poster.
And I thought okay this seems interesting. Something that I might be able to make sense of, cause it has the 12 animals I know are of the Chinese Zodiac year. So I started scanning through the posters. I think there were 2, each picture in the poster would depict 2 of the 12 animals together—
Win: —showing how the pair would interact, as predicted by the Chinese Zodiac system.
Joyce: Different combos matter. And there are like perfect combos that you know you can help each other succeed and then like there are crazy combos in which things go a completely different way.
Win: Yea. For example, my father is a dog.
[SFX: a dog howls 🐶🌀]
And my mum’s—
Joyce: —[laughs] your father is a dog, that sounds so wrong but like it’s how we talk about it.
Win: And my mum’s a tiger.
[SFX: a tiger growls 🐯💢]
So you can kind of imagine who’s the boss in my family. Hehe. Just kidding dad.
[Music: the fear-inducing song rises in tension and intensity]
Joyce: I think there were maybe 8 pairings that were the best possible pairings, and those were in 8 boxes in 1 poster. And then the other poster had the 8 worst pairings and it showed the different ways that things could go really wrong.
Win: So naturally…
[Music: the fear-inducing song rises in intensity further, the heartbeats return]
Joyce: So I kind of tried to look for a picture of a monkey and a horse in it.
Win: I’m a horse.
[SFX: a horse snorting 🐴💤]
Obviously.
Joyce: I’m a monkey.
[SFX: a monkey crying 🙈💦]
And I couldn’t find it. That was a fail.
JW: [laughs together]
Joyce: Umm, and at the same time I was noticing from the corner of my eye— this was completely subconscious— but I was noting your mum’s head was turning towards the posters as well.
[SFX: a tiger growls 💢🐯💨]
And then I guess subconsciously I was kind of stiffening up.
[SFX: a hair-standing deep growl ⚠️🙊⚠️ 🐅]
Because like, oh my gosh, what would happen if— because I hadn’t seen— I hadn’t looked at the second poster yet, umm in that split second I had this fear that what if there’s a box containing a horse and a monkey in the second poster—
[SFX: thunderstorm rumbles ⚡🌩️😡🌩️⚡]
— and then she saw it at the same time!
[SFX: a tiger growls 💢🐯💢]
Win: [laughs]
Joyce: So I picked up my pace and scanned the second one.
Turns out there was no picture with a monkey and a horse in it.
[SFX: sigh of relief x2 😅]
BUT. There was a picture… of a monkey… and a tiger.
[SFX: chaotic heartbeats begins 😨 😰 😱 💀]
Win: [laughs] And what were they doing?
[SFX: a thunder slowly stores up energy to be released, building up the anticipation of a strike 🌫️🌫️☠️🌫️🌫️]
Joyce: The tiger was biting the monkey… in its back.
[SFX: a thunder strikes hard 💥💥⚡💥💥]
Like in the middle of its back.
[SFX: a tiger violently roar 💢🐅💢 and a monkey screeches in dread ☠️🐒☠️]
[SFX: the chaotic heartbeat intensifies 😱 🙀 😱 💀]
And again from the corner of my eye, I know your mum saw it the same time— the same split second as I saw it.
[SFX: an electric shock ⚡⚡⚡]
And then we instantly both simultaneously… turned away.
[SFX: a minor electric spark ⚡⚡]
JW: [laughs]
[SFX: a remnant of the spark ⚡]
Joyce: Touch my hand now.
[SFX: a remnant of the spark ⚡]
It’s so cold, just thinking about it!
JW: [laughs]
[SFX: a remnant of the spark ⚡]
Win: And my dad?
Joyce: I don’t think your dad saw— saw the same things as we did. Umm. He was looking in another direction from my memory.
[SFX: a dog peacefully howling in the distant]
But it was— yea it was pretty special. [laughs]
[SFX: a minor electric spark ⚡⚡]
Win: So what happened after that like—
Joyce: Nothing. Nothing happened. We pretended neither of us saw anything.
We were just looking around, you know, keep looking, keep turning your head, keep you know, scanning the room—
Win: —Oh everything is fine, nothing happened.
Joyce: [laughs] Nothing’s an omen.
My neck is so sore right now.
Win: Why?!
Joyce: The stress man, the stress. Don’t leave this in.
JW: [laughs]
[SFX: a sudden heart-pumping drumbeat strikes ⚡🖤⚡]
Win: Suddenly, while hell was freezing over between my parents and us.
[SFX: a sudden heart-pumping drumbeat strikes again ⚡🖤⚡]
Win (impersonating The Oracle): Come here, come come come. It’s time. It’s time.
[Music: a suspenseful bass song plays]
Win: And now, our final showdown, after the break.
[Music: a suspenseful bass song slowly fades out]
Marrying your in-laws
Joyce: Wait, before we move on to the climax. What the heck were you doing while I was getting roasted?
Win: Oh I was burning with rage in my mind.
[SFX: A horse defiantly neighs 😤🐎]
Screw you Heaven!
So I had to calm myself down in the toilet and think about possible solutions. But it’s really hopeless, because as they say, “when you’re getting married, you’re marrying their family as well—”
Joyce: —That’s very, very, very, very true.
Win: Especially to a traditional Chinese family like mine.
[Music: a super sad, tear-inducing piano song plays]
I’m pretty close to my parents and grandma.
[SFX: the thunderstorm rumbles in the distant ⚡🌩️😠🌩️⚡]
So if it turns out that The Oracle said we’re not compatible, I’ll have to choose between Joyce or my family, because it’ll never go well together again.
Joyce: Okay, if we were going forward I would think about what would happen in terms of like, you know, integrating into the family. How can I ever feel a part of your family— How can your family ever feel… like, you know—
[SFX: the thunderstorm rumbles in the distant ⚡🌩️😈🌩️⚡]
—How can they ever comfortably perceive me as part and parcel of the family as well. Because of this.
Because like… the label… has been assigned.
Win (impersonating Heaven’s judgment): DOOMBRINGER.
[SFX: a thunder strikes with its vibrations echoed 💥💥⚡💥💥]
Joyce: The fate has been articulated.
[SFX: another thunder strikes 💥⚡💥]
It’s never going to leave this space that we are going to share together. Virtually or physically.
[SFX: the thunderstorm rumbles in the distant ⚡🌩️😬🌩️⚡]
Win: [sighs] Yea. My parents would constantly be reminded of the prophecy.
Win (impersonating my parents): Here comes the disaster cooking in my kitchen. Poisoning my son with her evil Tom Yum ☠️🥘☠️, evil rice ☠️🍚☠️, evil veggies ☠️🥕☠️.
Joyce: [laughs] Do you see my tears right now?
Win: [laughs]
Joyce: Spooky.
[Music: a super sad, tear-inducing piano song slowly rises in volume, then gently fades out]
Joyce: If it went wrong, what would you have done?
Win: I’ll probably like find… a third way to make it all possible. So like—
Joyce: —Like make me— get me pregnant?
JW: [laughs]
Win: Okay that’s… you evil. I never even thought of it.
Joyce: [laughs]
[SFX: evil female laugh in the distant background 💋 — a reference to Joyce being the Sexy Evil Demon-Fox in the previous episode]
Win: [sighs]
[SFX: a spoon stirring a tea cup ☕💫💫💫🥄, a gulping sound, and Joyce’s satisfied “ahhh” 🧘🏻]
Don’t get Joyce wrong. She wasn’t a princess that needed any saving—
Joyce: —Nor was he, a husband tamed.
[SFX: a horse neighs and gallops in the background 😤🐎]
Because knowing you, and you back then especially you would—
Win: —Defy The Gods.
Joyce: [laughs] You would defy The Heavens. You would soldier on. You would bash everything that’s in front of you with your own head.
[SFX: artefacts being smashed x2 💥💥]
Win: Right but sadly I couldn’t find a way out then. And I’m greedy you know, I can’t let go of both you and my parents—
Joyce: —Yea and the monkey has to be bitten.
[SFX: a tiger violently roars 💢🐅💢 and a monkey screeches in dread ☠️🐒☠️]
Win: [laughs]
Win: That’s why instead, I’m going to punish the source of our trouble at the final showdown.
[SFX: the thunderstorm rumbles ⚡🌩️😦🌩️⚡]
Joyce: What?!
Win: As I promised, Heaven will suffer for this.
[SFX: a thunder strikes in the distant 💥⚡💥]
Horse VS Heaven showdown
Win: So back to the sofa set.
[SFX: a sudden heart-pumping drumbeat strikes ⚡🖤⚡]
Win (impersonating The Oracle): Come here. Come, come, come, come. It’s time. It’s time.
Joyce: Like his— his Thai sounded very Chinese, like my grandpa especially.
Win: Finally, he was done with the previous client. We turned around.
[SFX: a sudden heart-pumping drumbeat strikes again ⚡🖤⚡]
And there he was.
[SFX: the holy choir sings ✨✨🧝♂️🎼🧝🏻♀️🎼🧝🏿♂️✨✨]
Win: Does he looked like an oracle?
Joyce: No.
JW: [laughs]
Win: His credibility all gone. [laughing tone]
Joyce: I thought we were meeting someone with like a shawl.
[Music: a sparkling background ambience plays]
[SFX: a huge cape getting flicked 👘💨]
With like lots of little details.
[SFX: trinkets being shaken ✨⛓️📿✨]
And like, you know, a huge necklace around his neck.
Win: With charms.
JW: [laughs]
Joyce: Yea. And everything is in red and gold.
[SFX: a precious metal clinks with a lingering ring 💍💫💫💫]
The Oracle (SFX impersonating him): YO!
[SFX: the bell of a cash register rings ‘kaching! 💫💸💫]
[Music: a sparkling background ambience fades out]
Win: You know that’s like the God of Fortune or something like that. That’s—
Joyce: —I had that image in my head!
[SFX: a recording of a Chinese New Year lion dance troupe music plays, then fades
💥🈵🦁🈵💥]
Win: That’s what you see in the temple, it’s not like a real human being.
Joyce: I had that image in my head, for some reason!
Win: So what does he actually looked like.
Joyce: I think he was— he looked like a Chinese uncle to me.
Win: Partially bald and skinny, surprisingly normal. Like your typical Chinese uncle in Chinatown.
Joyce: [laughs]
Win: And then.
[SFX: a sudden heart-pumping drumbeat strikes ⚡🖤⚡]
The Oracle took his position on his like—
Joyce: —His throne.
Win: Yea his throne. [laughs]
Joyce: No it was just a desk, and he was sitting behind a desk—
Win: —He was sitting behind a desk because umm… he had like those charts and calendars and stuff—
[Music: the fear-inducing song plays again]
Joyce: —Oh yea, so many of those.
Win: So we went to the table.
Joyce: And I don’t remember the order of how we walked over this— to the desk, but I believe I was the last person cause I was like please go ahead in front of me everybody.
JW: [laughs together]
Win: And so my mum, the Head of Religious Ceremonies in my family, handed over a piece of paper—
[SFX: a sudden heart-pumping drumbeat strikes ⚡🖤⚡]
—with basically our date of birth, my parents’ date of birth, and your family as well—
Joyce: And our times of birth as well, mine and yours, like to the minute.
Win: The Oracle reached out.
I slumped onto the chair.
[SFX: the thunderstorm begins rumbling in the background ⚡🌩️😡🌩️⚡]
Joyce: Our fate was literally in his hands now.
[Music: the fear-inducing heartbeat drumbeats resumes]
The Oracle: [something we don’t understand in the Chinese Teochew dialect]
Win: We were sitting there like really silent.
Joyce: And he took his time didn’t he, to like, do all those calculations. Like, could it get even more tense than this.
[SFX: the chaotic heartbeat plays in rising intensity 😨 😰 😱 💀]
Win: So after an eternity, he looked up from his calculations.
[SFX: a thunder slowly stores up energy to be released, building up the anticipation of a strike 🌫️🌫️☠️☠️☠️🌫️🌫️]
Joyce: THIS REALLY IS IT.
The Oracle: [mutters under his breath as he calculates] —ชง (clash)—
Win: Looking at my parents—
[SFX: the fear-inducing heartbeat drumbeats strike once ⚡🖤🖤🖤⚡]
[a very brief anticipatory pause]
[SFX: the thunder strike HARD 💥💥💥⚡💥💥💥]
The Oracle: มีชง—
[SFX: a censoring beep cuts the prophecy announcement short ⚠️🔇⚠️]
[SFX: censoring beeps begins to ferociously override the thunderstorm ⚠️🔇🤬🔇⚠️ and strike ⚠️🔇⚡🔇⚠️]
Joyce (translating for The Oracle): —There’s some clash here—
[SFX: a censoring beep cuts the translation short ⚠️🔇⚠️]
[SFX: more censoring beeps rapidly played until The Oracle and any translation becomes inaudible ⚠️⚠️🤬⚠️⚠️🔇🌩️⚠️⚠️⚠️⚠️🔇⁉️⚡⚠️⚠️⚠️🔇💱⚠️🔇🤬⚠️⚠️]
[SFX: a thunder attempts to deliver a strike one more time, building up to the strike but got viciously cut short by a long censoring beep, before the beep finally fades out 🌫️🌫️☠️🌫️🌫️🌩️🔇⚠️⚠️… 🔕☁️😞☁️🔕]
The worst punishment in history
Win: Sorry listeners for the sudden interruption to our program. Don’t worry, nothing’s wrong, no need to panic. I’m just going to make some edits before we replay the segment shortly.
[SFX: DJ scrubbing / remixing 🌀🎞️]
[SFX: a scissors cutting ✂️🎞️]
Win: Hello Heaven.
[Music: a hair-standing, murderous theme — piano solo version plays]
In case you’re listening. Remember me? My name is Win. You mess with my family. Prepare to cry. [The Princess Bride’s Inigo Montoya’s style]
Right first, nobody needs to hear the nonsense just now from The Oracle.
[SFX: The Oracle’s speech being cut ✂️🎞️ and remixed 🌀🎞️]
Win: You might be able to take my parents hostage against me in the real world, but in this audio piece, I am the master of time and space, the audio producer, the storyteller. So I’m giving what you deserve Heaven, the worst punishment in history. Your version of the story shall not be told.
[Music: a hair-standing, murderous theme — piano solo version fades]
And that’s for messing with my family.
Win: Apologies for the slight commotion. And now, audio player, rewind for 60 seconds—
[SFX: rewind ⏪💿]
—and resume the playback activities.
[SFX: old disc player starting ▶️📽️]
Enjoy.
I love you, Mr. Oracle
[Music: the fear-inducing song plays again]
Win: And so my mum, the Head of Religious Ceremonies in my family, handed over a piece of paper—
[SFX: a sudden heart-pumping drumbeat strikes ⚡🖤⚡]
—with basically our date of birth, my parents’ date of birth, and your family as well—
Joyce: And our times of birth as well, mine and yours, like to the minute.
Win: The Oracle reached out.
I slumped onto the chair.
[SFX: the thunderstorm begins rumbling in the background ⚡🌩️😡🌩️⚡]
Joyce: Our fate was literally in his hands now.
[Music: the fear-inducing heartbeat drumbeats resumes]
The Oracle: [something we don’t understand in the Chinese Teochew dialect]
Win: We were sitting there like really silent.
Joyce: And he took his time didn’t he, to like, do all those calculations. Like, could it get even more tense than this.
[SFX: the chaotic heartbeat plays in rising intensity 😨 😰 😱 💀]
Win: So after an eternity, he looked up from his calculations.
[SFX: a thunder slowly stores up energy to be released, building up the anticipation of a strike 🌫️🌫️☠️☠️☠️🌫️🌫️]
Joyce: THIS REALLY IS IT.
The Oracle: [mutters under his breath as he calculates] —ชง (clash)—
Win: Looking at my parents—
[SFX: the fear-inducing heartbeat drumbeats strike once ⚡🖤🖤🖤⚡]
[a very brief anticipatory pause]
The Oracle: —โหงวฮะ โหงวฮะเดือนเกิดสมพงษ์กัน แปลว่าเป็นเนื้อคู่กันแต่งงานกันได้ ต่อไปช่วยเสริมกัน (Soulmates. You can marry. You will support each other well.)
Mum: [nodding, accepting what he just said like a good school girl]
[SFX: 18-bit game blessing sound ✨✨✨]
Joyce: เป็นเนื้อคู่กัน! So WE’RE SOULMATES!
Win: Ooo.
[Music: super groovy, celebratory dance music plays 🕺🏻, beginning with a playful, pranking trumpet 🎺😽]
The Oracle: สมพงษ์กัน ช่วยเสริมกัน ไม่ชงนะ (Fated. Support each other. No clash.)
Joyce: [Gasp] That’s cool! ดวงสมพงษ์ means your relation is fated. Like you’re fated to be together.
Win: Seriously?!
Joyce: That’s the only thing I could make out of that.
Win: [laughs]
Joyce: Gosh! How do I have no memory [SFX: DJ remixing 🌀🎞️] of this?—
Win: —This is exactly how I felt that time. It’s like my ears were trying to find [SFX: DJ remixing 🌀🎞️] like good words from him—
Joyce: —YEA yea yea! My ears were JUST [SFX: DJ remixing 🌀🎞️] hearing the word สมพงษ์ which meant fated right?
Win: [laughs]
Joyce: สมพงษ์. And then he kept saying สมพงษ์ in this, สมพงษ์ in that, สมพงษ์, and then he kept— he kept going and I was like BRING IT ON, BRING IT ON, BRING IT ON!!! [transcriber note: WOOOOO!!! YEAHHHHH!!! 💗💃🏻✨🕺🏻💗]
JW: [massive laugh]
Joyce: And then he ended up all this by saying we’re soulmates and I was like yea! It couldn’t go, it couldn’t go better than that!—
Win: —Wait wait wait, but that’s not it. I mean, listen to this. Listen to this right.
The Oracle: ทั้งลูกสาวทั้งลูกชาย ลูกหลานเป็นคนเก่ง เก่งกว่าพ่อแม่เป็นจอหงวนนา! (Joyce and Win translates below)
JW: [surprised LAUGHS]
The Oracle: ลูกหลานก็เยอะ ต่อไปแต่งงานกันแล้วลูกหลานก็ดี (Lots of descendants. After they married, their descendants will be good.)
Win: So what. So what was he saying? [laughing tone]
Joyce: So basically. So he said. [laughing tone]
[Music: the playful, pranking trumpet toots]
Like it’ll be really good, especially when we have kids. Like it doesn’t matter if it’s a daughter or if it’s a son. Because either, our kids will be really capable people and they will even exceed their parents.
JW: [laughs]
[Music: super groovy, celebratory dance music fades, ending with the playful, pranking trumpet]
Win: To be precise…
[SFX: wrestling bell strikes thrice 🤼 🔔💥 🔔💥 🔔💥]
[SFX: stadium crowd cheers 🎉👨👨👧👦👨👩👧👦👩👩👧👦🎉]
Ahem. As the undisputed champion!—
[SFX: the stadium crowd turns into a crowd of Chinese people singing to a fun ceremonial ritual song 🎉🙇🏻♂️㊗️🙏㊗️🙇🏻♀️🎉]
—of the ancient Chinese civil service examination.
Joyce: So our babies eh!
[SFX: happy baby cooing 👼🏻]
[Music: a groovy bass song plays]
Win: Any bad prediction is ignorable now with this powerful proclamation.
The Oracle: So they can marry.
Win: And finally, he slammed his pen down on the desk.
[pen slamming on the desk sound from the actual recording 🖊️💥]
The Oracle: แต่งปีหน้า
Win (impersonating The Oracle): MARRY NEXT YEAR!
Mum: Yes sir. [super polite Thai version]
Win: As my mum nodded vigorously—
[SFX: a cat’s cute but meek meow 🐱💦]
Win: —and the case was finally closed.
JW: YAYYYYY! [together]
The Oracle (voice slowly fades off): Let me find 2 to 3 (auspicious) time for the wedding...
[Music: a groovy bass song raises its volume, then slowly fades, ending with the playful, pranking trumpet 🎺🕺🏻]
A fish hook stuck in your heart
Win: So overall, it actually went pretty well, right?
Joyce: At least enough to satisfy his grandma to move forward with our marriage.
Win: As for the whole uncensored truth—
[Music: the hair-standing, murderous theme plays again, now a piano pairing with a creepy musical box, and a sneaky string instrument]
—whatever was said in that room, only the five of us and grandma will know. After all, history is what the victor wants you to remember right?
[starts replaying segment]
Joyce: Gosh! How do I have no memory [SFX: DJ remixing 🌀🎞️] of this?
Win: And also what we selectively choose to believe ourselves.
Win: —my ears were trying to find [SFX: DJ remixing 🌀🎞️] like good words from him—
Joyce: —YEA yea yea! My ears were JUST [SFX: DJ remixing 🌀🎞️] hearing the word สมพงษ์ which meant fated right?
Win: So I’ll be leaving this mystery hanging—
[Music: the hair-standing, murderous theme now transition into a psychotic creepy violin version]
[SFX: a fish hook unsheathes 😈🔪💫💫💫]
—like a fish hook stuck in your heart.
[SFX: the fish hook stabs into a bloody heart once 🔪💥💖. Pause.
Twice 🔪💥💔, thrice 🔪💥❣️, the fourth time 🔪💥🖤]
As an eternal memento for you to be skeptical and fact check the media. Even on my own work.
[SFX: the fish hook stabs suddenly for a fifth time 😈🔪💥♥️]
[Music: the hair-standing, murderous theme slowly volume rises, then fades away hauntingly]
Outro
Win: Hey Joyce.
Joyce: Umm?
Win: So what happened between The Monkey and The Tiger in the end after we married?
Joyce: Well, stick around to the very end and you’ll find out.
[Music: a relaxing but fun theme plays]
Win: If you love our work, hit follow and share this episode to all your Chinese friends to see their hilarious reaction.
Joyce: Also, if you’re curious what the tiger-monkey picture that spooked me looked like, head on over to our episode show notes at eastasianstory.substack.com. The link is in the episode description.
[Note: This is the page! The picture is near the top.]
Win: I’m gonna make you draw it. [evil laugh]
Joyce: OH MY GAWD… I DO NOT DRAW MONKEYS OR TIGERS. I only draw domestic animals.
Win: [laughs] Please! Please draw it.
Joyce: Ughhh. Hashtag clickbait. [annoyed tone]
Win: [bangs the table] Clickbait… NO IT’S NOT A CLICKBAIT!
Win: Special thanks to my parents—
[SFX: a meek cat meows 🐯 and a dog woofs 🐶]
Win: The Oracle—
The Oracle: —สมพงษ์กัน (FATED).
Win: And Heaven— for this lovely adventure we had together.
[SFX: thunderstorm rumbling ⚡🌩️😒🌩️⚡ and the holy choir ✨✨🧝♂️🎼🧝🏻♀️🎼🧝🏿♂️✨✨]
And to Joyce’s family who I love as my as my own parents, plus for tolerating this silly event.
Joyce: See you in the next episode where we go on a… treasure hunt? Treasure hunt what? What treasure hunt?
Win: Maybe for my birthday? [pleading with cute sparkly eyes at Joyce]
Joyce: Ughhhhhhhh. You’re looking so smug right now. I really have to make this treasure hunt…
[plays the teaser]
Win: I don’t know where to look. Tell me!
Joyce: What does the clue say?
Win: AW SHIT DON’T GOOO!!! WAIT!—
Joyce: [laughs]
[cuts to another scene]
Joyce: Free Dobby!
[cuts to another scene]
[a padlock releasing 🔓💫]
Win: [gasps] OHH IT OPENED! YES YES! This is the way.
Joyce: [laughs]
[end of teaser]
Win: I’m Win.
Joyce: And I’m Joyce.
Win: And this is East Asian Story.
Joyce: Sawaddee ka.
Win: Sawaddee krub. [with a ridiculous emphasis on the r]
[Music: a relaxing but fun theme slowly fades]
And now, onward to the epilogue.
The epilogue: monkey and tiger under one roof, hehehe
Win: So how did you feel afterwards?
Joyce: Possibly the most relieved I’ve ever felt in my life!
Win: [laughs] Really?
Joyce: It felt like everything was resting on it, and like you know when you go into something feeling INCREDIBLY anxious beyond words.
[Music: super relaxing ‘bedtime story’ piano song plays]
And all they had to say was “fated, fated, fated, fated, soulmates! INCREDIBLY INTELLIGENT OFFSPRINGS!”
JW: [huge laugh]
Joyce: What can you feel possibly ,apart from— OH MY GOSH, YAY LET’S GO AHEAD WITH WEDDING PLANNING YAY!!!
JW: [laughs]
Win: I also asked my mum about her side of the story about the poster.
[The recording of Win playing this episode to his mum begins]
Joyce (this episode excerpt playing in the background): her head was turning towards the poster… [tiger roaring SFX 💢🐯💨]… and then I guess subconsciously I was kind of stiffening up…
Mum: [uncontrollable laugh, then in a laughing tone] ไหงไม่ได้คิดเลยนะ ไหงดูหรอ? ดูพร้อมเขาหรอ (translation below)
Win: [laughing tone] ไหงไม่รู้แต่จ๊อยเขาบอกว่า… [fades out]
[End of the recording]
Win: So she said she was ready to throw Joyce out of the house then—
Joyce: —YOU! OI! She didn’t say that! She just said that she couldn’t remember!
[Translation note: technically mum said “I never thought about it. Did I even see the poster? At the same time as her?”]
Win: Alright, alright. You get the point listeners. Remember—
[SFX: unsheathing a fish hook 😈🔪💫💫💫]
—don’t believe everything you hear.
[SFX: stabbing sound 🔪🌳 — don’t worry, it’s a foley SFX of a cabbage being stabbed which sounded bloody ❣️]
Win: And back to The Monkey and The Tiger—
Joyce: —Finally together under one roof.
Win: I’m happy to announce that they’re on great terms right now. Hehehe.
[SFX: a monkey shouting endlessly in an annoying way. 💱💱💱💱💱🐒😛 Then suddenly, a cat meowed in a cute and meek way over it 🐯💦, like trying to befriend the monkey. Except it unintentionally causes the annoying monkey to go silent out of fear… 💀🙊💀crickets… 🦗💫 🦗💫 🦗💫]
Win: But you know, even though you’re such a good person in like managing relationship with my parents and grandparents. There’s one thing, one small thing which—
Joyce: —Oh no. What have I done wrong. [dread tone 😨]
Win: [laughs] No, no, no. You know there’s one thing which we’ve been constantly doing—
Joyce: —I’m sweating now—
Win: —that um—
Joyce: —What? Freeze the veggies?
[silent]
Win: What?!
Joyce: Freeze our meals? [guilty tone 😰]
[replay from a segment earlier in the episode]
Win (impersonating my parents the prophecy went bad): Poisoning my son with her evil Tom Yum ☠️🥘☠️, evil rice ☠️🍚☠️, evil veggies ☠️🥕☠️.
[SFX: evil female laugh in the background 💋]
[end of replay]
Win: Nooo! [laughs]
Joyce: What are you talking about?! [fearful tone 😱]
Win: [sighs] I’m so dumb for thinking that we’ll never be bothered by Heaven anymore. Instead, now every time I meet my grandma, she always says “Come on you guys! Come on!”—
Joyce: —Ohh, we’re not having babies.
Win: Yea.
[SFX: baby expressing her/his annoyance 👶🏻💢]
JW: [laughs]
Win: Even more so when the predictions about our kids were so awesome.
Joyce: And it’s kind of like mandatory after you get married to like instantly… Pooffff! (imitating the SFX for popping a baby out of a womb 🎉) [laughs]
Win: The expectation had been set. “Make geniuses for us!”
Joyce: [snorts] That sounds wrong. Yea, umm. It’s an obvious pressure.
[SFX: thunderstorm starts rumbling ⚡🌩️😔🌩️⚡]
Win: [sigh] So Heaven, let’s call it a draw shall we?
[Music: super relaxing ‘bedtime story’ piano song begins fading]
[SFX: thunderstorm turns into a gentle rain with 18-bit game blessing sound
✨✨✨🌧️😇🌧️✨✨✨]
End of transcript. See you in the next episode!
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